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Joke of the Day

"[coming out of coma] Doc: You survived the heart attack Me: I'm going to eat right & get fit D: *shows me hospital bill* M: *pulls plug*"

"I'm giving ""Up"" DVDs for Lent"

"3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister? ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you."

"A priest and a rabbi leave a bar ..., and see a ten year old boy. The priest says ""Let's screw him!"" and the rabbi says ""Out of what?"""

"I don't see why everyone is up in arms about Oscar Pistorius.... Haven't we all woken up legless and fired a few into the missus?"

"What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts"

"""I'm caught in a love hexagon."" - polygamists"

"What's the most efficient way to break up with someone? Murder. I had to post this to r/jokes to keep from implicating myself"

"What did the fruit say to the vegetable? Lettuce be grape friends."

"Did you hear about the Furry who started frequenting SomethingAwful? Hare today, Goon tomorrow!"