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Joke of the Day

"Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she ""couldn't make it in to work."" This is called managing upwards, people."

"My son said he couldn't sleep last night because of the thunder. I feel bad for locking him out now."

"My good friend died having sex I guess you could say he came and went at the same time."

"I make fun of people Instagramming their food, but I forget that, during the Renaissance, lots of artists were just painting bowls of fruit."

"What do you get when you cross an iPad with a Christmas Tree? A PiNEAPPLE! Get it? ;-D"

"What so you call a bulldog mixed with a shih tzu? A bull shiht"

"Since Canada isn't making the penny anymore-did the price of a thought just go up to a nickel?"

"*races to airport *hurdles though security *sees her at boarding gate *shouts her name *romantic music swells I RAN OVER YOUR CAT"

"Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler's hand and scream ""NOT TODAY SATAN!"""

"Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin? Because his life is at stake."