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Joke of the Day

"I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, ""YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!"""

"""do you answer the phone while having sex"" a woman asks her friend. The friend says ""only if its my husband calling me..he's my husband after all""."

"After I saw that my wife ""Checked In"" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen."

"What did Octavian say when he stormed Cleopatra's gardens? Caesar salad"

"KING SOLOMON: I shall cut it in two, half for each of you. WOMAN: sure ME: OH GOD NO! KING SOLOMON: ok this is clearly your meatball sub."

"What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back."

"Ray Charles has said he doesn't mind being blind.. Because at least he isn't black!"

"You always hear a stake through the heart is an effective way to kill a vampire, but actually, it's an effective way to kill lots of things"

"Sometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land."

"And the Lord said unto John.. ""Come forth and receive eternal life."" But John came fifth and won a toaster."