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Joke of the Day

"Cashier: do you need bags? Me: do any of us NEED anything? Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too Me: plastic please"

"""Of course you're the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder"" - alcohol"

"Q: What state has the highest cell phone bills? A: Text-us"

"I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?"

"I was playing 'would you rather', and asked my girlfriend if she'd rather be a goat or a cow for the rest of her life. She asked me which one I'd rather fuck."

"Why do all the trees in Kansas lean south? Because Oklahoma sucks."

"Don't be afraid to speak your mind but know when to shut the fcuk up."

"This morning I saw a lady scraping the ice off her wind shield with her credit card. ..She's not going to make any progress at that rate."

"What's the difference between spit and swallow? A firm grip on the back of her head."

"Family tree Your family tree is a cactus, because everyone on it is a prick."