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Joke of the Day
"I'm not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry."
Next Joke
"friend: i want a bf me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me"
"Why do we use whiteboards instead of blackboards? Because black boards matter."
"Two snare drums and a hi-hat fall off a cliff. Bu dum tiss"
"NORTH WEST KIM AND KANYE HAVE DECIDED TO NAME THE BABY 'NORTH'. I WONDER IF THE BABY WAS CONCIEVED AT THE MILE HIGH CLUB ON NORTH WEST AIRLINES"
"I just found out that they offer college courses on how to be a janitor... Apparently it's some pretty tough shit."
"[showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it's walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing"
"This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don't even know what that means but now I'm hungry."
"How many tickles does an octopus like? Ten-tickles"
"Shitting myself about this Ebola situation... Which is worrying, because that's one of the symptoms."