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Joke of the Day

"Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box"

"I watched Transformers today. I've spent the last 2 hours in my garage telling my car I know his secret. He's shy."

"ME: woud u be open to adoption? HUSBAND: yes [later, at the adoption agency] ME: yes hi, i'd like to put my husband up for adoption"

"I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not."

"A neutron walks into a bar He asks, ""How much for a drink?"" The barkeep replied, ""For you, no charge."""

"I don't know why women spend so much money on sunglasses... Wouldn't it be cheaper to just tint the kitchen windows!"

"A homosexual, a Pedophile and a Priest walk into a bar The bartender asked him what he would like to drink."

"What's the real reason Mr. Clean is always smiling? He likes it dirty."

"Why was Stalin literally worse than Hitler? Because Hitler at least wrote his own books"

"I tried S/M once, and ended up with a dominatrix who was unusually cruel. Instead of using a whip she would make me do fractions in my head."