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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: I'm tired of you living in a fantasy world ME: *imagining she's Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?"

"Did you hear about the haunted burlesque theater? Things went bump and grind in the night."

"I used to think I'd never be able to be president because I'm a woman but now I know it's because I don't like drinking water"

"What are your best/favorite anti-jokes?"

"I'm not poor. I'm big-loaned."

"What do you call a cow that's swallowed a stick of dynamite? Abominable."

"*overeats sugar* *gets diabetes* *gets limbs amputated* *can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*"

"How do farmers party? They turnip the beets."

"What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows? Survivor guilt."

"Did you hear about the blind dog that never got lost? It really nose it's way around."