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Joke of the Day

"It was such a hard core lesbian bar... even the pool table didn't have balls."

"[first day as tour guide in New York] Me: that's the Statue of Liberty Guy: what is she clutching Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty"

"no actually it's called an ""african-american"" eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct"

"Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7? Because they literally can't even."

"My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded"

"What do you call someone that hangs out with musicians? A drummer"

"What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!!!"

"Doctor doctor I think I've been bitten by a vampire. Drink this glass of water. Will it make me better? No but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks."

"Why did they start using liquid soaps in prisons? (if you thought because you can't drop it, guess again) Because it takes longer to pick up."

"Mute goes to a wedding... After the ceremony he won't let go of his dick and everyone's a little put off by his public display. With his free hand, he signs ""Speak now or forever hold your peace""."