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Joke of the Day

"FITBIT: You've done 11k steps today. ME: Ok, I'll rest some. FITBIT: stop now and I'll murder you ME: What? FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!"

"At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted???"

"What's long hard and shitty at the end? One of John Doe joke."

"Caught in the act My wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion I said ""Darling.. it's not what it looks like"""

"1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs."

"The thought of Aortic Dissection just tears me up inside."

"""I suppose you have to live somewhere."" - A more accurate motto for the state of Utah."

"What's black? What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron."

"No amount of minority filled commercials can ruin Red Lobster for me."

"Why did the scarecrow win the award? Because he was outstanding in his field"