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Joke of the Day

"[Zoo, bird show] ""Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods."" *bird headbutts window 50 times*"

"honey, i think the milk's gone bad ""i only bought it yesterday"" yeah well, look at this.. *milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*"

"I'm not fucking stupid. I mean, I was, but we broke up."

"What do you call two lepers in a spar? Soup"

"Ladies; When a guy says he ""just wants to be friends"" he means with your v@gina."

"My black friend was told he couldn't run in the boston marathon Bunch of racists."

"Here's one for you...! 1"

"*hears Siren's song* *eyes glaze* *walks in a trance ten miles* *breaks window to donut shop* I'm here, Mistress. *eats everything* *dies*"

"Einstein said ""If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself."" Which I guess makes me an expert in secretive anal sex."

"A liar, a murderer, and a thief walk into a bar. The bartender asks, ""what will it be, Mrs. Clinton?"""