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Joke of the Day

"""Hey. Here's some free oxygen. No prob! All I ask is that you don't let your dogs piss on m- Oh there he goes. He's pissing on me."" -trees"

"I never believed that my dad was stealing from his job as a roadworker But when i got home all of the signs were there."

"Remember April showers bring May flowers. But, Mayflowers being smallpox."

"Can't stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones."

"What do basic cave bitches wear? UGGA Boots"

"A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn't buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic."

"I finally started writing the book on herbs I've been putting off for so long, I guess it's.. :looks directly at the camera: ""About thyme"""

"There are three kinds of people on earth Those who can count to three and those who can't !"

"What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts."

"Don't steal. That's the government's job."