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Joke of the Day

"What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented? There's been a ground breaking discovery..."

"Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money."

"My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?"

"How many Russians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to shoot him if he does it wrong."

"Me: Give me some space, I'm feeling claustrophobic 8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can't"

"I'm gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg! ""Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!"" Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship."

"I'll never get a dog, but if I had to I'd the kind that doesn't have its butthole displayed too prominently."

"Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile. Robin: I'm so excited! *curtain opens* Robin: Bruce, that's a car bed... Batman: You're welcome."

"Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs."

"David Cameron's legacy David Cameron will go down in history as the man who fucked up his campaign, fucked up his job, and fucked up a dead pig."