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Joke of the Day

"Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!"

"Why can't your wife make crispy bacon? Because she got used to your soft meat."

"I went to the gym and asked the guy there to teach me how to do the splits..... He said 'how flexible are you?' I said 'I can't do Thursdays.' Credit: Tommy Cooper"

"What were the Zodiac Killer's Plans for Vacation? To take a Cruz."

"An octopus should have eightacles, not ten."

"I love these hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked. I'm not sure my taxi driver appreciates it though."

"Does this $2500 electrician bill make my ass look broke?"

"If there's awkward silence & he asks what you're thinking about ""emotionally damaged werewolves"" is not the best answer. I know this now."

"For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store..."

"My 6 yr old just asked if I'm a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side"