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Joke of the Day

"My ex-girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea."

"Interviewer: ""So why should we hire you?"" Me: ""Cause I need a job very badly."" Interviewer: ""So?"" Me: ""And you have a vacancy. BINGO"""

"Call out to CAN_ZIGZAG: what do they call it when a mechanic frees up a stuck gearshift? Manumission"

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger Is a terrible thing to say to someone with a muscle eating disease."

"[watching ""Cinderella""] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba."

"What's the best thing about kids? Making them!!!"

"I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song."

"I sent in a list of my top ten puns to the newspaper hoping at least one would be selected for the joke of the day. Sadly, no pun in ten did."

"I discriminate against people who lose digits on their feet to frostbite. I guess you could say I am lactose intolerant."

"An officer pulls over a speeding blonde and asks her for her license. She angrily exclaims ""Yesterday you took away my license and now you want to see it again?"""