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Joke of the Day

"when I run out of spoons that tells me its probably time to do the dishes .. or quit heroine, whichever."

"Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler's hand and scream ""NOT TODAY SATAN!"""

"At what age did Hitler's uncle try to molest him at? When he was nein."

"I can't believe how stupid that bloke in the Post Office was.... He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter."

"My grandma started dying in the living room Well, I guess it isn't the living room anymore."

"What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog? I don't know but it is great at chasing submarines."

"The Illuminati doesn't scare me They never even kill anyo"

"I feel bad for people who suck at simulations. You can say, for them, i feel... Sim-pathetic! (Ba-dum-tuss)"

"A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I'm ""not afraid to eat bread""--so I'm done with socializing for at least a year thanks"

"What do you call the underwear of someone experiencing nocturnal emissions? Dreamcatchers"