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Joke of the Day

"A puzzling amount of nonsense... If you're sailing through the desert and your house gets a flat how many flapjack a would it take to put that motherfucker up on stilts?"

"10:00pm *gets a snack* 10:01pm *turns on tv* 10:02pm *glances at twitter for 8 seconds* February"

"What did the manager say to his new Chinese intern? How, are you?"

"Never Drink Alone Thats why I Skype with people when I'm drinking."

"Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let's go steal all their shit!"

"""Great, those annoying white people that talk loud and take all the good seats just walked in"" -everyone else in the coffee shop in Friends."

"Two wolves are chasing a Golden Retriever through the forest. After an hour, the first wolf says to the second wolf, ""Ain't this a bitch?"" To which the second wolf responds, ""It had better be""."

"If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity."

"What do you call an arrogant patronizing thief coming down the stairs? A condescending con descending."

"[driving 2 school] *looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats WAIT! IF YOU'RE HERE THEN... [cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]"