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Joke of the Day

"A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks ""Do you have a previous criminal history?"" The visitor replies ""I didn't realize that was still a requirement"""

"Did you hear how the deaf electrician asked his friend to repeat what he said? Watt?"

"Why do mermaids put their things on top of clams? Because clams are shelf-ish."

"I made my girlfriend cry the other day. I called her son a bloody disappointment. Apparently she's very sensitive about her miscarriage."

"Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter. 3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do."

"""You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something..."" *cop gets all up in suspect's face* ""Targeted. Banner. Ads."""

"How is American beer similar to having sex in a canoe? It's fucking close to water. (A Canadian just told me this joke)"

"I have a light that gets sexually aroused by me. I turn him on."

"I asked my girlfriend at dinner, ""Why are you being so salty?"" Her response - with a flat, even look: ""I've been well seasoned."" I lost it"

"*gets a Fitbit for Christmas* *puts it on a squirrel*"