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Joke of the Day

"[parole hearing] OFFICER: are u reformed? ME: I O: go on M: I th O: tell us M: I'm O: yes M: can I finish my sentence O: ok parole denied"

"Why did the young witch have such difficulty writing letters? She had never learned to spell properly."

"A giraffe walks into a bar... The giraffe trips and falls over, the bartender says, ""what's that lyin over there."" And someone replies, ""that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."""

"I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account... ...so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops."

"Who is the smelliest hairiest monarch in the world? King Pong."

"Stop telling me to ""keep calm""! I'm freaking out about why this British phrase has permeated American culture!"

"I like having conversations on elevators because you know there's a time limit."

"What do you call a little girl who's very close to her dog? Nina"

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Just taught my 15 year old German Shepard to play dead! Cocky bastard is trying to set a record too! Been that way for eight hours now..."

"The lobotomist ran off with my wife... And I think he took off with my better half."