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Joke of the Day

"I want my funeral to be 20 consecutive moments of silence followed by a first-time bugler playing taps."

"Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it's just pointing to another refrigerator."

"nurse: ""if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half"" me: [visibly confused] wife: ""the grapes keith not the baby"""

"The female praying mantis devours her male within minutes of mating, whereas ... the female human stretches it out over a lifetime!"

"HIPSTER COP: *into radio* ""We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"""

"Cockroach logic A cockroach can make your girl scream louder than you can. Hence the first part of its name."

"My Local Pizza Place Just Folded Now they serve Calzones."

"What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter the number of characters do not go down with time"

"What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!"

"I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses ""bae"" all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny"