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Joke of the Day

"Movies you wish Tom Cruise would star in: Remission Impossible"

"I don't know who you are, but if you don't stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will kill you."

"Where can a hand refuel its car? At a fist pump."

"Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy"

"what do people in the German Alps say before they are about to do something crazy? YO-da-lay-hee-LO"

"i just want someone to love me as much as sean penn loves haiti"

"hey honey... ... you remember that really posh restaurant we ate at? 'sure... i guess so' ... what about that one time i undercooked the chicken? 'YES. EVERY DETAIL'."

"[During Interview] ""Do you have any questions?"" - Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?"

"With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country. We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short."

"New children's book I'm working on: ""Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak""."