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Joke of the Day

"Told a girl to text me when she got home. She must be homeless."

"A punk walked into a barber's shop and sat in an empty chair. ""Haircut sir?"" asked the barber. ""No just change the oil please!"""

"You know what's addictive? Heroin"

"I can tell by the way you keep snapping your gum in my ear that you really don't value your life at all."

"I wanted to get a haircut today after work around 8:45... but they closed at 9, so that's cutting it close."

"My sister bet 100 dollars that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!"

"My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head."

"[at the mall] ""I've lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?"" ""Sure, what's his name?"" ""Xander."" ""See, that's why he ran off."""

"Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use."

"Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those."