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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes I'm scared I'll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I'm not so scared anymore."

"BEDSIDE CONFESSION Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time. Julie: ""I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."" Ted: ""Your breasts aren't bad either."

"[At a 5 star restaurant] *gestures at entire menu* Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?"

"What do you call a naughty football joke? An offensive line"

"What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed woman on a tricycle? Attire"

"Chuck norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it."

"A mushroom walks into a bar... And the bartender says ""We don't serve your kind here"". So the mushroom says ""Why? I'm a fun guy""."

"Drinking American beer is like making love in a canoe... It's fucking too close to water."

"What did the leper say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip"

"We used to call a girl at work 'turtle.' When she's on her back she's fucked."