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Joke of the Day

"Pre-Having Daughters: *Hates hearing ""NO"" from women Post-Having Daughters: *Teaches them ""NO"" in 167 different languages including Klingon"

"Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning! *scratches Judy's back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers* Judy: Hi!!! How are y..... Me: *walks away*"

"My child's first name Is going to be look"

"There's a giant exploding ball of fire in sky every day, and we're just supposed to be cool with it? Hell no, I'm not into that at all."

"Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 2-year-old: An eagle! I'm going to save so much money on college."

"At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair."

"What's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise. :)"

"You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish."

"ducks love bread but aparently bread is bad for ducks, so dont feed ducks bread, but love ducks even more bc theyre self-destructive like us"

"What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? An Italian mother says ""If you don't eat it I'll kill you."" A Jewish mother says ""If you don't eat it I'll kill myself."""