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Joke of the Day

"My wife doesn't know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush."

"A little bird told me that 5 Hour Energy shots can cure hangovers. Not sure I can trust a talking bird while on acid, though."

"How much sex does a sister of the church get? Nun"

"An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon."

"A good lawyer, Santa Claus, and an honest politician enter an elevator. They see a five dollar bill on the ground. Who picks it up? Santa. The other two don't exist."

"I just got a part in the movie Cocaine It only has one line."

"How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram!"

"When children ask me where rain comes from, I pat their heads, shimmy up the nearest flag pole, and urinate on them."

"What do you call an Ox with a gluten allergy? A silly-yak."

"[blank], teaching english better than english teachers since it's release. Video games."