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Joke of the Day

"I made $350.05 sucking dick last night. Me: I made $350.05 sucking dick last night. Friend: Wow! Who gave you the nickel? Me: All of them..."

"My oldest approached me today, and told me he was feeling suicidal. I said, ""Hang in there, son,"" and pointed to the spare room."

"What do you call a computerized rock band? ASCII/DSCII"

"How does a crazy person get out of the woods? They take the psychopath."

"My wife and I weren't really expecting a baby, and then BAM!... One smacks right into the windshield."

"How do you have nasal sex? Fuck knows"

"If you haven't taken at least 25,000 pictures of your cat then you shouldn't have a cat."

"The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*"

"What is heavy forward but not backward? **ton**"

"I just read the ""100 things to do before you die"" list.... I'm kinda surprised that ""call 911"" didn't make the cut."