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Joke of the Day

"kid dressed as dog: ""trick or treat"" me: wife: ""give him some chocolate then"" me: ""i don't want to kill him linda"""

"My dog failed puppy school. He was always wagging class."

"So my dad was at the hardware store and asked if I needed anything. I said I was hungry and he said... ""Sure I'll get you some nuts ;)"""

"Disney's Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work."

"When I was a kid I had an Arab friend Mabe Al-zuq Yadeeq"

"What's the difference between a spitter and a swallower? 10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head."

"Don't trust atoms, they make up everything."

"What do you call a relationship that never works out between guitarists? No strings attached"

"Some say Blair Walsh tried to commit suicide... ...but it went wide left. Being a Vikings fan is painful"

"Something weird just happened. My captain just told me Bravo Zulu for a job well done, and then abruptly fired me. How am I supposed to get an explosive tug with my dick in my pants?"