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Joke of the Day

"My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold."

"I just poked myself in the eyes... I can't see myself doing that again anytime soon."

"How do you blow a movie quote? You just put your lips together and whistle"

"How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis, father, ladder I mean."

"People keep making apocalypse jokes... Like there's no tomorrow"

"My parents once sent me abroad for the summer I didn't learn a thing from her."

"'90s movie spoiler alert: it's Kevin Spacey."

"What is my favorite rhetorical question?"

"How did the Nucleus escape from prison? through the cell wall."

"Baby, you're a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog."