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Joke of the Day

"Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that's not a good tweet but I'm getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics."

"I tried anal once It was fucking shit"

"What do gay men have in common with the people who persecute them? They're both fucking assholes"

"If anyone can remember the jokes from Popsicle sticks, I'll be exposed for the fraud I am"

"My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over, and now I'm frantically looking for a new place to live."

"Why do only 99.9% of dentists recommend Listerine? Because the other .1% is too busy out hunting lions"

"Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do"

"When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you've been using Apple Maps."

"Why can't a blonde dial 911? Because she can't find the number 11 EDIT: Maybe the fact she thinks it was called 9-11 was part of the joke?"

"If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble."