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Joke of the Day

"Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor? Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing! Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I'm right here"

"I got fired from my job doing porn... I had all the dedication in the world but too many times i came in too early."

"Did you hear about my cruel psychic Maths teacher called Moe who's great with a sniper rifle? He's a mean medium, Moe, with range."

"I decided to burn some calories today.. ...So I lit a fat kid on fire"

"'welcome to subway how can i-' ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID 'sir-' M: IS IT HIS PISS"

"dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months"

"Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears? It's true! He had a left ear, a right ear, and a wild front ear."

"My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost."

"My favorite here lately.... Helen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table. And then a chair...."

"What is simultaneously the best and sh*ttiest way to start your day? Pooping"