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Joke of the Day

"If my dying plant is any indication, I probably don't water my dog enough... Oh fuck, where's my kid?"

"Mom: Want to come over for dinner? Me: No thanks, already ate Mom: What did you have? Me: Peanut butter Mom: With? Me: Spoon"

"Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs."

"Do you know what a Timberwolf is? No. Thats a guy that chases a girl up a tree and kisses her inbetween the limbs."

"Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store"

"If your boyfriend doesn't buy you chocolates today, it's probably because he thinks you're fat."

"My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear... He's Bipolar.."

"Did you hear about Russia's preservation new project? The Crimea River"

"TIFU by taking someone else's sandwich at the deli today Oops... wrong sub"

"I don't understand romantic movies, why waste all that time with the complicated, man-hating main character when her slut friend is cuter."