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Joke of the Day

"me: what's ur favorite thing on the menu waiter: oh definitely the salmon me: oh yes ok i'll have the *orders something that is not salmon*"

"I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app."

"*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return* ""Wait.. if you're here, then..."" *cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* ""UNCURL, FREDRICK!"""

"What did the blond do with her asshole in the morning? Pack him a lunch and tell him to go to work!"

"Has anyone here seen the Matthew McConaughey movie where he keeps getting grouchy in the early evenings and no one can figure out why...? Failure to Lunch?"

"Running out of space for your porn collection? Just download midget porn, it's half the size"

"I bought my Nan a stairlift the other day... She said it drives her up the fucking wall."

"If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?"

"What's so good about being a CPU? Every time you are turned on, you're getting blown."

"My dentist... has the heart of a lion. ( sitting on his office table)"