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Joke of the Day

"9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date. Today I asked her to marry me She said no both times."

"Pretty cool how there are athletes preparing to head to the Olympics in a little over a month and I just got winded making my bed."

"I failed to stop a suicidal Catholic guy from blowing himself up. ""Abort, abort abort"", I shouted."

"Nuts I like: -Cashew. -Almond. -Pistachio. Nuts I don't like: -Hairy. -Religious."

"Why are there so many Redditor archeologists? Because /r/jokes loves digging up the past."

"Soon every possible joke will be written on twitter and we will be forced to face our feelings."

"Judge:You are sentenced to death. Judge: You'll be hung. Wife from down the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG! Me: Your Honor please uncuff me so I can high five my wife."

"I couldn't sleep because my fan was making loud noises. Yeah,it's a huge metal fan !"

"Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft."

"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cart has claws at the end of its paws. A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. Edit: spelling"