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Joke of the Day

"""and this lake shall be called Superior"" all the other Great Lakes: ""k wow we're like right here"""

"I am a dyslexic agnostic insomniac. I lie awake at night wondering if there is a dog."

"A virgin fingers his girlfriend for the first time The woman with bated breath exclaims ""I thought you were a virgin"" the man replies "" I am but i also play the guitar"""

"Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama's campaign isn't going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie."

"I recently joined a support group for people who peaked in high school. It's called Crossfit"

"I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?"

"What's a panda's favorite drink? Fanta."

"When I was a kid, we had our own personal chef Chef Boyardee"

"What's the difference between a pianist and a penis? One tickles the ivories and one tickles the ovaries."

"New neighbor: Hi. It's nice to meet you. Me: It's nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9 Neighbor: What's your Twitter @ Me: DAMMIT"