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Joke of the Day

"As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country."

"Moscow cops Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes? One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two ""dangerous intellectuals""."

"""Oh, this one? It's an excuse to tell a story about my life that only I think is interesting"" - literally all tattoos"

"What's a orphans first words? I don't know. But it sure as hell isn't mommy or daddy."

"Thanks for the heart attack, Chinese menu under the door while I'm watching a scary movie."

"What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme!"

"I went for a swim with my daughter... I felt a warm pocket of water in the waves and yelled at her ""Did you just pee in the ocean!?"". ""No"" she said ""the seaweed"" True story."

"[in bed] Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene Him: omg yes Me: *disappears to change* *comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*"

"What's faster than a speeding bullet? A Jew with a coupon"

"My kid wants pizza without the crust AND a side of breadsticks. It appears I've given birth to everything that's wrong with America."