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Joke of the Day

"""Can I smash my head against your wall?"" ""Sure, knock yourself out."""

"What do you get if you cross 50 Shades of Grey with Blurred Lines? A greydient"

"7yo: Let's not talk ALL day today 6yo: Ok! Me: *holy shit yessss* 7yo: LET'S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD Me: Right. Of course."

"I don't know. ""Hairy ass"" makes me sound kinda edgy but ""fuzzy bum"" is more family friendly. It's a tough call. Resumes are tricky."

"What did the book say to the librarian? Can I take you out?"

"What's the Mexican version of the Klan? Que Que Que"

"[At a psychic fair] Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money? Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?"

"Jeopardy gum If Jeopardy! champion Arthur Chu started a candy company, the gum would have a locomotive on the wrapper, and would be called - get this - Chu Chew!"

"Threesome fun!!! I had planned a threesome, but there were two no shows. I still had fun though!!!"

"I recently rewatched The Lion King and just noticed how many metaphors there were... I guess you can say there was a whole lot of *Simba*-lism."