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Joke of the Day

"Finally figured out that 'YOLO' is 'carpe diem' in douchebag."

"Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ..."

"What do you call a white asian who loves cola? Cokeasian."

"For as long as that song was, you'd think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once..."

"If Jessica own 400 melons and Jimmy steal 50 of them, how many would be left? About tree fiddy."

"Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her."

"Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital... Proving once again that white guys can't wrap."

"When I was a kid my older brother dared me to take a bite of a Monopoly board. It was a little gamey."

"ME: I had salmon for lunch. WIFE: the L is silent. ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch."

"I missed going to the gym today. So that's 20 years in a row now."