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Joke of the Day

"How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house."

"The wife told me she's sick of me pushing her around and talking behind her back. I said ""Well you are in a wheelchair"""

"Hard to tell if the walmart cashier was mad about me having more than 20 items, or if he just hated his life."

"Top 3 situations that require witnesses:1) Crimes2) Accidents 3) MarriagesNeed I say more?"

"What's the difference between a book and a mexican? A book has papers."

"I drank too much water I'm going to pee for it later."

"If your phone rings during a movie, answer it ""Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!"" And then run head first through the screen."

"18 years ago my 4rd grade teacher said to me ""You aren't shit and you'll never amount to anything.""... I guess it's safe to say, she was a psychic. Wonder if she can predict the lottery too."

"Some people just don't understand evolution. I was talking to an Australian the other day who actually thought *he* came from Darwin! All credit to Milton Jones for that one."

"A philosopher goes to a hotel. Philosopher: Can I get a room please? Receptionist: Sure. Which one? 2B or not 2B?"