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Joke of the Day

"No LinkedIn, I do not want to display my Twitter on my profile. I would actually like to keep my chances of getting a job above zero."

"Aren't you too fat to be this rude?"

"Girls call me the Burgermeister Meisterburger... After they get with me, they throw away all their toys."

"Who was the chicken's favorite musician? BAAAACH BACH BACH BACH"

"I knew a shopaholic woman who routinely ended relationships. She couldn't pass up a good buy (good bye)."

"What's good on pizza but not on pussy? Crust"

"I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth."

"What do you get when you drop an egg off the Empire State Building? New Yolk"

"Do you know why you will never go hungry in the desert? Because of the sand which is there. *edit: because of the sandwiches there....."

"'Expect the unexpected' Now that would make the unexpected the expected, but since the expected is being expected, then that would mean it wasn't the unexpected, so what the fuck do we expect?"