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Joke of the Day

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"When the female lead of Pirates of the Caribbean visits Japan... Do you think she has a Kirin nightly?"

"I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu."

"IT'S A BIRD! NO, ITS A PLANE! HOLY SHIT it's Dave!"

"*notices battery is at 4%* *goes into airplane mode* *turns down brightness* *exits all apps* *prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*"

"It'd be pretty rad if the Pope's Twitter account was just Billy Joel's second Twitter account where he only tweets while on Ambien."

"Say no to drugs! Then again, if you're talking to drugs, you're probably already on drugs."

"What do you call a doctor for websites? A URLologist"

"If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day? Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide."

"How do you know if a hippie was at your house? He's still there."