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Joke of the Day

"I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukkake party. You should have seen her face."

"It's okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I'm ""crazy."""

"A recent study shows that Twitter users don't give a fuck in excess of 30 times a day."

"Past, present and future walk into a bar... It was tense"

"Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we're thinking."

"My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity"

"My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher... Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!"

"Hey should we dry out these grapes? I don't see a raisin why not."

"How do you restore your body back to 'factory settings'? Is it kale? it's kale, isn't it? please don't say kale."

"All food I purchase should read: ""Serving Size: Probably This Entire Box In Less Than An Hour, You Fat Fuck."""