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Joke of the Day

"Last Night.. I was about to kill a spider. My wife told me to take it out instead. Turns out he's a pretty cool guy, his names Luke and he want's to be a lawyer."

"Shout out to that old cop in movies, talkin' 'bout how soon he's gonna retire & go sailing with his wife. Dude is about to get BLOWED UP!"

"Why did you drive the lawn mower over your Easter basket? I thought the plastic grass was growing too high!"

"I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do... I'm at Wal-mart."

"TIFU by not reading War and Peace. This wasn't today, this was ever. That book is way too long. I didn't read it. TL:DR Too Long. Didn't Read."

"I failed my spelling test I got an F for f-ort."

"What's dumber than a box of rocks? The hippie carrying them around"

"When my friends come over they know to ask ""may I sit here"" and then we look at my dog to see if it's OK"

"If you weren't supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn't package them in rows of 15."

"If I want to commit suicide, all I would do is jump from your EGO' to your IQ Level'."