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Joke of the Day

"Someone recently discovered the mathematical formula underpinning every Beatles song ever! She got the Strawberry Fields Medal."

"Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana."

"And so, Jesus said unto Peter ""Come forth and win yourself eternal glory"" But Peter came fifth and won himself a toaster"

"You're not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat, hoping to connect with a kid."

"I find that women in nightclubs are like toilets in nightclubs They're either engaged or vacant and some of them are disabled"

"How did the farmer figure out how much milk he had? He used cowculus!"

"They don't bury an Amish man with his beard. They bury him with shovels."

"How many Dell Service Reps does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I am on hold."

"This election has been a bit like watching porn... The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching."

"I woke up last night and there was an enormous black coffin at the end of my bed. So I gave him a cough-drop and told him to fuck off."