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Joke of the Day

"date: where did u get that, i don't see that on the menu me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob"

"50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself. Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn't unbutton it."

"Why will the next IPhones be the hottest best selling phones? Because they'll be sexy(6c) and a success(6s)"

"what did the infant cannibal think of the premature section of the nursing ward it was a preemie-yum buffet"

"""Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to"" - The President of the United States"

"Why shouldn't you kiss someone on January 1st? because its the first date"

"I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no fucking money in there."

"Atoms are the biggest liars in the universe... They make up everything."

"Cop: Why are your eyes bloodshot? Me: My girlfriend dumped me and I was crying... Cop: Oh. Me: ...so I smoked weed to feel better."

"a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath"