107222

Joke of the Day

"I have two requests for my funeral 1) be scattered at Disney Land 2) not to be cremated"

"I'm technically 5'11"" but whenever people ask I just say I'm 6'0"". I do it for the same reason I tell people I have a four inch penis - what's an extra inch, anyway?"

"Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, ""what kind of therapy is he in?"" because of course I said that"

"Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a martini. The bartender asks ""olive 'er twist?"""

"Has anybody ever noticed that you can get salmonella from chicken...but not chickenmonella from salmon?"

"Gassy Joke What makes a Mexican gassy? Taco night. What makes a white person gassy? Chipotle. What makes a Jew gassy? Auschwitz"

"*opens fortune cookie* there's rice on your face *grabs wifes and opens it* still there *grabs one from next table* I can do this all night"

"How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to take credit for it."

"Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas confused? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25"

"I hate when people make fun of people with epilepsy It makes me so mad I shake and twitch with anger"