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Joke of the Day
"A drum solo but on your face."
Next Joke
"How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side."
"COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend ME: Jen C: Jen sounds nice M: Wh-what? C: Is Jen single? M: Uh... C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?"
"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Don't know they're just a bit shady."
"How do mussels reproduce? They shuck eachother."
"My new baby is the image of his father. Never mind. just so long as he's healthy."
"I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They're in jail."
"What is an assassin's favorite element? What is an assassin's favorite elem- Surprise! (it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)"
"4yo: *shoots me with gun* *stuffs gun in my pocket* *runs away* Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide* *keeping an eye on him*"
"What do you call an Arab riding a camel with a goat on a leash? Bisexual."