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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: I think he's in a midlife crisis ""Why, did he buy a new car?"" WIFE: not yet [I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]"

"A physicist sits down at a bar. What does he order? Ein stein"

"What's the difference between reading the Bible and talking shit? None."

"Being clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store."

"At the police station a) Somebody stole my wallet. b) When did this happen ? a) I don't know he also stole my watch."

"I have a lips."

"If I ever met an exact duplicate of myself I wouldn't hang out with him. I'm too cool for that fucking nerd"

"Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person's noticed mine's a calculator."

"How much sex do couples have? Newly weds: ""Tri-weekly."" After 10 years: ""Try weekly."" After 30 years, ""Try, weakly."""

"How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants? Juan by Juan."