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Joke of the Day

"I bought my friend an elephant for his room... He was like, ""Oh, wow! Thanks!"" And I was like, ""Don't mention it!"""

"I think I speak for the majority of mute people when I don't say anything at all."

"An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don't really expect much to happen..."

"Wife: Have u done anything today? Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street Wife: Wheelie? Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk"

"What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey!"

"Q: What is a conservative? A: A liberal who's been mugged."

"Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend."

"My son managed to lock the car with my keys still in the ignition. He suggest a coat hanger. I said we're a few years too late for that."

"give a man a fish and you feed him for a day Teach a man how to Google how to fish and he'll watch fish porn for the rest of his life"

"Incest... When you hit a little too close to home"