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Joke of the Day

"I was bit by a rattlesnake last summer. After three days of excruciating pain the snake died"

"I don't need to run a marathon to load up on carbs and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket."

"I invented papaya flavored cream cheese. I call it ""Pap Schmear""."

"Save the whales. Collect the whole set."

"Let's cure feminism with the 7up plan. Wake up Chin up Grow up Cheer up Lighten up Loosen up But most of all SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"Why did the coke dealer retire? He was tired of putting his business in other peoples' noses"

"How do you keep a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him."

"You're suppose to wear clean underwear in case you're ever in an accident. I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me."

"I'd rather the Ring girl pop out of my TV than have the ""Congratulations you have won an iPhone"" voice ever scare the shit out of me again."

"The only reason kids like Christmas is because they're not the ones buying all the presents."