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Joke of the Day

"My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind."

"If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say ""Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."""

"I just invented a new word: plagiarism."

"It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker"

"The FineBros remind me of a movie villian... ...they revealed their master plan via monologue and were stopped before they could end the world."

"What's the difference between the IRS and Jared Fogle? The IRS waits until you're 18 to fuck you."

"Drunkenly changed my voicemail to ""if you like cheese, press 2. Para Spanish, press cheese. To hear more cheeses, say goooo-DA"""

"Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind. I shouldn't spread it."

"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a cold one. The bartender replies, ""We don't serve food here""."

"That escalated quickly - Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator."