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Joke of the Day

"When my kids misbehave we watch 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine."

"What's the difference between a run-down Greyhound stop and a crabby, decrepit prosititute? The first is a crusty bus station, whereas the second is an accurate description of your mother."

"Knock Knock? Who's there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Forget it, its pointless"

"I want to create a show called ""Deja Vu"" simply for the ""Previously on Deja Vu""."

"Protip: If a party guest says ""I don't dance"" what he's really telling you is ""make my drinks stronger please""."

"What's fast and breathes fast underwater? Definitely not a toddler, I can tell you that now."

"Boys are cute how they're all ""I like girls that don't wear heavy makeup"" and ""get down from that tree near my window or I'll call the cops"""

"Couldn't tell if this really hot chick just waved at me in her car, or if she was just putting the sun visor down."

"If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut."

"An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so? Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime."